I was
going to name my post…
“An
Apology With An Epiphany”
But then I
saw this...
And I
realized I really needed to be real and say what I have been thinking and
feeling for over a year. With the different thoughts that had been going through
my mind… To the point that depression was taking over my personality, emotions
and family ties. I haven’t been comfortable just setting down and writing… not on my blog, not in my journal, not even my travel journal. None of these things have been updated or written in... well, almost 18 months.
I enjoyed blogging when I first started. I have met really neat blogging
friends and yet I have found myself shutting myself off from my family, my real
life friends and my blogger friends. How was I shutting them out... not talking about things that were on my mind and in my heart. I thought I was an 'open' person and so maybe that is why not being able to express myself has been so difficult.
I want to
start blogging again and more importantly writing in my journals, so I need to just
say what has been stopping me from writing and get it out…
 |
| by Greg Olsen |
I
know I am not the greatest mom in the world, but I have always felt I have
taught my children right from wrong and about the atonement. I somehow thought
all of my children would be strong in the gospel of Jesus Christ and strive to
live the principles that they were taught.
I did teach by example and that is “you get to choose what you want to
do. You will have to deal with the consequences good or bad.” That feeling was
the start of my downward twisting fall. As
I found that my son was taking on habits that I knew in our family of highly
addictive personalities could be deadly. I was angry at myself for not being
more aware. Though I have not accepted some of the choices he has made I have
come to understand a “Mother’s Love” in a way that I didn’t before… maybe even
a Christ-like love. My love for him has
not changed, it is as deep as ever before. He is my miracle and I know that our
Father in heaven has him on the earth for something special. I also know that
Satan knows that he has something amazing to do on this earth too.
 |
| That is me in the middle with the cowboy boots |
Who’s your
grandma?
I
was quite old when I found out that my Grandma Williams was not my “real”
grandma. But, in my heart and mind she has always been my grandma and always
will. My mom called Grandma Williams “Mamma” and it wasn’t until after we had
moved to Spokane that I remember my mom starting to call her, Aunt Myrtle. My mom’s birth mother died when she was very
young. Her father took off and left the kids alone. My maternal grandmother’s
name was Hazel Christine Williams Berryhill, she was the sister of Grandma
Williams’ husband Lowell. When Hazel Christine passed away my mom’s uncle Lowell sent money
for bus tickets so the children could come to Arizona from Texas. It was not an
easy process because they had to prove the children had been abandoned. (or at
least that is the way I understand the story) When my mom and her two brothers
arrived in Arizona they were accepted in by the Williams family as if they were
their own children. Grandpa Lowell died of a heart attack a few years later.
Still grandma Williams kept all the children together and raised them as
siblings.
After my mom
passed away and we found out that grandma Williams had breast cancer. I visited
with grandma on the phone and asked what she thought of me having my mom sealed
to her and Grandpa Williams. She was so wonderful and I still can hear her
voice in my mind as she said that “Geneva has always been my daughter and I
would love for her to be sealed to us.”
We talked about me coming to Arizona and going to the temple with her to
do this temple ordinance. Before I could go to Arizona I found out that my
mom’s sister had sealed my mom to her biological parents James Willis Berryhill
and Hazel Christine Williams Berryhill. I was devastated. But, I have tried to accept that event and to learn more about my biological grandmother and grandfather.
After Grandma
passed away we started hearing more and more from some of the aunts that mom
was a cousin…not a sister…I cannot put into words how painful that has been for
me. Where they afraid that we wanted something??? Anyway the first part of July 2012 when I went to
the “Williams” family reunion again as we honored MY grandma, it was stated
again who she was “mamma” to and who she was the “aunt” to. I was grateful to a couple of my “cousins”
who quickly came to me and said you have always been my cousin and you will
always be my cousin. My aunt Patsy even changed the poster stating who were the
“real” children and those that came to live with them. She made the comment
that she was the oldest and “she never wanted to hear of this family segregation again”. I appreciated
that so much. But, in away the damage was done. I have always addressed these
wonderful ladies as my aunts…I am struggling. I am hurt and it has become a
weight around my heart.
Donor Pain
While at the reunion I loved visiting
with my “aunt” Judy about our heart transplants. But, it got me wondering why I
do not know anything about my donor. My aunt is 10 years post and has never
written her gratitude letter. I told her she needed to do that. I felt it is
important to the donor family to know how grateful we are to still have her in
our lives. She knows so many things about her donor and I know nothing…again I
felt alone with questions that nobody wants to answer.
Dad
My dad had complete knee replacement
on July 24, 2013. Again, I worried about him because of his health and
his stubborn personality. He doesn’t like to listen to doctors or anyone
else…it has always been one way, his way. I am grateful that he has healed as well as he has, and yet in the back of my mind I wonder how long he will be here.
 |
| Reku now goes by the name Toby and is spoiled rotten |
Reku
For 2 years I
have heard nothing but how much Kirk hates Reku and if he could take him out
“for a ride” it would make his day. After Itsey died, Reku was my little
comforter. But, at this emotional down fall, I could not hear it anymore. It
was a comment made several times a week if not daily. A dear friend’s in-laws
Chihuahua had died a year or so ago. I asked if she thought they might like to
have Reku. I did not say anything to anyone…no time to remind me how much I
liked him or the grand babies and no time for me to talk myself out of it. I
took Reku over to my friends to meet the in-laws, I left so that they could see
if they liked my retarded little dog. I went to get groceries and called when I
was done to see what they thought. My friends said they really liked him and
they had taken him home. I was like…”what?? I didn’t bring any of his things
with me when I came for them to meet him…and even I had not got to tell him
bye. I have called to check to see how he is doing, and I have been told he is
doing great and has really grown attached to the grandma. I am so grateful. I
miss the little retarded dog. The first night Hazel walked around the house
calling for him it about killed me. Just a couple of days later Celes realized
she could not find him anywhere. She had a total meltdown…it sent me spiraling
down again.
Baby Evie...
Our sweet Evie, she gave all of us a scare. Before arriving to her earthly home she had a habit of not wanting to be "involved" with the living part. And again I found myself detaching from something that could hurt me. What if this little girl didn't make it... what if... stupid... I know...but I did it. Who would think that our little one year old who can now run circles around all of us would have been such a worry. I love her sweet personality and am so grateful she is part of our family.
Have I mentioned how much I love my daughter Kira. I love her so much.
While I was going through my pitty party... Kira was going through a real trial...
I am going to just link you to her blog and let you read her words as what she was going through... "trying to have a baby."
I was always worry if Sergio is happy here. I am sure that he misses his family. I truly appreciate the sacrifice that he and his family make so that his little family lives in the States.
and yes, there are were other things dragging me from just writing.
Does Kirk know I love him.
The house is out of control
Not feeling like I have a calling
Money..keeping track
Keeping up
But those things are now in writing...on paper... out of my dreams and nightmares...
I have said it out loud.
I feel a sense of freedom... of peace... of a clear mind...
And I have so much to share....
WHERE IS MY JOURNAL AND PEN... let 2014 begin.
.JPG)
.JPG)
