Sunday, January 19, 2014

I Am Back

I was going to name my post…
“An Apology With An Epiphany”
But then I saw this...



And I realized I really needed to be real and say what I have been thinking and feeling for over a year. With the different thoughts that had been going through my mind… To the point that depression was taking over my personality, emotions and family ties. I haven’t been comfortable just setting down and writing… not on my blog, not in my journal, not even my travel journal. None of these things have been updated or written in... well, almost 18 months.

I enjoyed blogging when I first started. I have met really neat blogging friends and yet I have found myself shutting myself off from my family, my real life friends and my blogger friends. How was I shutting them out... not talking about things that were on my mind and in my heart. I thought I was an 'open' person and so maybe that is why not being able to express myself has been so difficult.

I want to start blogging again and more importantly writing in my journals, so I need to just say what has been stopping me from writing and get it out…
 
by Greg Olsen
I know I am not the greatest mom in the world, but I have always felt I have taught my children right from wrong and about the atonement. I somehow thought all of my children would be strong in the gospel of Jesus Christ and strive to live the principles that they were taught.  I did teach by example and that is “you get to choose what you want to do. You will have to deal with the consequences good or bad.” That feeling was the start of my downward twisting fall.  As I found that my son was taking on habits that I knew in our family of highly addictive personalities could be deadly. I was angry at myself for not being more aware. Though I have not accepted some of the choices he has made I have come to understand a “Mother’s Love” in a way that I didn’t before… maybe even a Christ-like love.  My love for him has not changed, it is as deep as ever before. He is my miracle and I know that our Father in heaven has him on the earth for something special. I also know that Satan knows that he has something amazing to do on this earth too.
That is me in the middle with the cowboy boots

Who’s your grandma?
I was quite old when I found out that my Grandma Williams was not my “real” grandma. But, in my heart and mind she has always been my grandma and always will. My mom called Grandma Williams “Mamma” and it wasn’t until after we had moved to Spokane that I remember my mom starting to call her, Aunt Myrtle.  My mom’s birth mother died when she was very young. Her father took off and left the kids alone. My maternal grandmother’s name was Hazel Christine Williams Berryhill, she was the sister of Grandma Williams’ husband Lowell. When Hazel Christine passed away my mom’s uncle Lowell sent money for bus tickets so the children could come to Arizona from Texas. It was not an easy process because they had to prove the children had been abandoned. (or at least that is the way I understand the story) When my mom and her two brothers arrived in Arizona they were accepted in by the Williams family as if they were their own children. Grandpa Lowell died of a heart attack a few years later. Still grandma Williams kept all the children together and raised them as siblings.
After my mom passed away and we found out that grandma Williams had breast cancer. I visited with grandma on the phone and asked what she thought of me having my mom sealed to her and Grandpa Williams. She was so wonderful and I still can hear her voice in my mind as she said that “Geneva has always been my daughter and I would love for her to be sealed to us.”  We talked about me coming to Arizona and going to the temple with her to do this temple ordinance. Before I could go to Arizona I found out that my mom’s sister had sealed my mom to her biological parents James Willis Berryhill and Hazel Christine Williams Berryhill. I was devastated. But, I have tried to accept that event and to learn more about my biological grandmother and grandfather.

After Grandma passed away we started hearing more and more from some of the aunts that mom was a cousin…not a sister…I cannot put into words how painful that has been for me. Where they afraid that we wanted something???  Anyway the first part of July 2012 when I went to the “Williams” family reunion again as we honored MY grandma, it was stated again who she was “mamma” to and who she was the “aunt” to.  I was grateful to a couple of my “cousins” who quickly came to me and said you have always been my cousin and you will always be my cousin. My aunt Patsy even changed the poster stating who were the “real” children and those that came to live with them. She made the comment that she was the oldest and “she never wanted to hear of this family segregation again”. I appreciated that so much. But, in away the damage was done.  I have always addressed these wonderful ladies as my aunts…I am struggling. I am hurt and it has become a weight around my heart.


Donor Pain
          While at the reunion I loved visiting with my “aunt” Judy about our heart transplants. But, it got me wondering why I do not know anything about my donor. My aunt is 10 years post and has never written her gratitude letter. I told her she needed to do that. I felt it is important to the donor family to know how grateful we are to still have her in our lives. She knows so many things about her donor and I know nothing…again I felt alone with questions that nobody wants to answer.

Dad
          My dad had complete knee replacement on July 24, 2013. Again, I worried about him because of his health and his stubborn personality. He doesn’t like to listen to doctors or anyone else…it has always been one way, his way. I am grateful that he has healed as well as he has, and yet in the back of my mind I wonder how long he will be here.
Reku now goes by the name Toby and is spoiled rotten
Reku
For 2 years I have heard nothing but how much Kirk hates Reku and if he could take him out “for a ride” it would make his day. After Itsey died, Reku was my little comforter. But, at this emotional down fall, I could not hear it anymore. It was a comment made several times a week if not daily. A dear friend’s in-laws Chihuahua had died a year or so ago. I asked if she thought they might like to have Reku. I did not say anything to anyone…no time to remind me how much I liked him or the grand babies and no time for me to talk myself out of it. I took Reku over to my friends to meet the in-laws, I left so that they could see if they liked my retarded little dog. I went to get groceries and called when I was done to see what they thought. My friends said they really liked him and they had taken him home. I was like…”what?? I didn’t bring any of his things with me when I came for them to meet him…and even I had not got to tell him bye. I have called to check to see how he is doing, and I have been told he is doing great and has really grown attached to the grandma. I am so grateful. I miss the little retarded dog. The first night Hazel walked around the house calling for him it about killed me. Just a couple of days later Celes realized she could not find him anywhere. She had a total meltdown…it sent me spiraling down again.

Baby Evie...
Our sweet Evie, she gave all of us a scare. Before arriving to her earthly home she had a habit of not wanting to be "involved" with the living part. And again I found myself detaching from something that could hurt me. What if this little girl didn't make it... what if... stupid... I know...but I did it. Who would think that our little one year old who can now run circles around all of us would have been such a worry.  I love her sweet personality and am so grateful she is part of our family.


Have I mentioned how much I love my daughter Kira. I love her so much.
While I was going through my pitty party... Kira was going through a real trial...

I am going to just link you to her blog and let you read her words as what she was going through... "trying to have a baby."
I was always worry if Sergio is happy here. I am sure that he misses his family. I truly appreciate the sacrifice that he and his family make so that his little family lives in the States.

and yes, there are  were other things dragging me from just writing.

Does Kirk know I love him.
The house is  out of control
Not feeling like I have a calling
Money..keeping track
Keeping up

But those things are now in writing...on paper... out of my dreams and nightmares...
I have said it out loud.
I feel a sense of freedom... of peace... of a clear mind...
And I have so much to share....
WHERE IS MY JOURNAL AND PEN... let 2014 begin.

4 comments:

Lene said...

I don't even know how to comment on this post. You are such an amazing, kind and giving person. It's hard to see someone you care about struggle, but always remember how important you are and how much you are loved. Now come see me so I can give you a hug...

Mindy H. said...

I love your guts!

Mary Prillwitz said...

You have always been a cousin to me, and always will be! My heart ached for you as I read this post. But good to know I am not alone in my hardships, heartaches and trials. I've been wondering why you hadn't posted in a while. Glad you're back at it! Sending lots of love your way!

Josh and Ali said...

I totally understand. Evie's pregnancy was probably one of the hardest 9 months I've ever gone through and is probably the biggest reason why I'm afraid to have any more. I'm glad you're out of your "funk" so we can start reading your blog again :) Celes can hardly wait for you guys to come see her when you get home!